My Last 5 Diary Entries

It will be my first time...... - 2005-03-28

"Fun Times on McClellan Street" - 2005-02-23

"Dress Rehearsal" - 2005-02-05

DON'T DO IT!! - 2005-02-02

Here We Go! - 2004-12-31

Sweet Peeps

"I Must not be Living Right"

Okay, here is the deal. Something is definitely not right. There is something that is just slightly off center and I don’t know what it is. It is imperative, however, that I figure it out and I mean soon.

I have been over and over it a million times. What am I missing? The only thing I can figure is that I am in some small way being punished for something. The exact nature of the crime is unbeknownst to me. But I have gone over a few theories lately.

Have I not considered all that is important when making major life decisions? I believe so. I have been faced with more than my share of “big” decisions in my life and so far they have worked out pretty good. There is a difference though when it comes to some of the more recent decisions I have made. For the first time, I have done what is mostly right for me, putting myself first. While I try to convince myself that this is okay I fear that it could quite possibly end up working against me.

I am a firm believer in good/bad karma (when it comes to me anyway). I know some people live their whole lives trying to get over and to everyone else be damned. I also know that nothing bad ever happens to these same people (well not in this life anyway). I am the type of person who, when I leave the grocery store and I realize the cashier didn’t ring up my case of water in the bottom of the buggy, I go back in and pay for it. I know if I don’t, I am sure to be in an accident on the way home. Stuff like that ya know?

Do I have enough money to breathe easy? Absolutely not! Who does? This is only the case for a select group of what I refer to as lucky mucker duckers (none of which I know or ever will know). This can be a scary thought to me too though. I mean breathing easy wouldn’t be so bad but I don’t think I would like to have so much money that I never had to want for anything. Never “needing” anything would be comforting but never “wanting” anything would be boring. Half the fun of getting anything good is the desire and built up anticipation you experience before it is actually yours. But maybe I do need to do something to breathe a little bit easier when it comes to money.

Am I lacking in love? Being that I am more fortunate than some when it comes to this, I would have to answer, no. I have great love from my family (although they really have no choice in the matter). And at times I feel even greater love from a few close and even not so close friends. I love people back too. I have and will sacrifice all that I am and have for the people I love. Long term love of a life-time companion may not be mine or even attainable right now, but I am not giving up on that either. Perhaps the latter is something that I just don’t deserve (some people are just destined to be alone).

So who knows? I guess at this point it could be anything. I just pray to God that I can figure it out and place some meaning behind it so that I can fix it. How do I even know something is off kiester, you ask. Because I do NOT sleep. And people who are happy, comfortable and have inner peace don’t have this problem.

I’m movin’ on……