2004-09-06 - 5:30 p.m.
"What was I Thinking?"
Don�t ask me why, but for some godforsaken reason, I decided to carry my happy ass to Wal-Mart today. Why didn�t someone, anyone, warn me? Everybody and their mother was there buying school supplies. Let�s see. School around here starts tomorrow. Way to procrastinate morons. I don�t understand. I mean school starts the day after Labor Day every single year. It�s not like they didn�t know it was coming. It�s like people who are all in a panic on Christmas Eve. Like someone just snuck Christmas in on them at the very last minute. Tards!! Semi-mad props to the management team of the Wal-Mart though. They had practically every register open but it was just too many effing people. I walked the length of the store twice trying to scope out a line that might not last an eternity. There are a few factors to consider when doing this. You must of course not only look at the number of people in line but look at what is in their buggy. For example, a line with five people who have big stuff such as dog food, trash cans, drinks and a few radial tires will not take quite as long as the line with five people who are accompanied by hired help to push the extra buggy. The most important factor is the cashier. You don�t have to scrutinize them too long. It usually just takes a quick glance to see stupid and/or lazy. I tend to pass by the ones covering their pajamas with the infamous �How can I help you?� smock. And answer me this. Is there like a law against the cashiers hitting a quantity button before they scan an item or do they just get off on the beep when they scan 72 packages of Oodles of Noodles individually? So anyway, after careful consideration I opted for the new-fangled self check-out. That�s right folks. Come in our store get all of your shit yourself, ring it up yourself, bag it yourself and take it to your car yourself. God bless America. Don�t you think there should be somewhat of a discount involved when you do all of the grunt work yourself? Just a thought� So I am thinking this has got to be my quickest route out of this retail jungle. After all, there was only one person ahead of me. This would not be bad, right? Wrong! This guy had to be the biggest spacktard in Virginia, no, the world. You should have to go somewhere and take a class, and pass it mind you, before you are allowed to use the self check-out. Problem number one: Computer: �Please pass barcode of first item over the scanner.� Dumb Fuck: (scratching his head and balls simultaneously) �Bar code? What is that?� Six Year-old Kid in the next line: �Duh! It�s the little stamp with numbers and bars on the bottom of your case of beer.� Six Year-old Kid�s Mom: (with nervous laughter) �Don�t bother the nice man honey. I am sure he knows what he is doing.� (Grips kid�s hand tighter) Dumb Fuck: �Oh, uh thanks�. (Mumbling). Me: �Oh, for the love of Christ. Come on, dick!� Problem Number Two: Computer: �Please select form of payment or insert cash.� Dumb Fuck: �Let�s see, I need to write a check..� Me: �NO! That is not allowed at the self-check out. You need either cash or a credit/debit card. What shit for brains bank gave you a checking account anyway?� Dumb Fuck: �Well, I can�t pay in cash. The total is $14.36 and I only have a twenty.� Six Year-old Kid in the next line: �It�s okay mister, it will give you change.� Dumb Fuck: �Really? But how will it know what to give me back?� Me: �Because it is a computer Dumb Fuck! It is smart. Unlike you, it actually has a brain.� Finally, after pushing so many buttons that the self-checkout watch dog has to come assist, the moron heists his case of beer up on his shoulder and heads out to his 1979 El Camino parked in the fire lane. Meanwhile, at least three people in each of the other lines are half way home with $200.00 worth of groceries. It would seem that I somehow managed to choose poorly�.. I�m movin� on���
10 Whatcha think?
Steppin' Back - Movin' On
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