My Last 5 Diary Entries

It will be my first time...... - 2005-03-28

"Fun Times on McClellan Street" - 2005-02-23

"Dress Rehearsal" - 2005-02-05

DON'T DO IT!! - 2005-02-02

Here We Go! - 2004-12-31

Sweet Peeps

"I Must not be Living Right"

Okay, here is the deal. Something is definitely not right. There is something that is just slightly off center and I don�t know what it is. It is imperative, however, that I figure it out and I mean soon.

I have been over and over it a million times. What am I missing? The only thing I can figure is that I am in some small way being punished for something. The exact nature of the crime is unbeknownst to me. But I have gone over a few theories lately.

Have I not considered all that is important when making major life decisions? I believe so. I have been faced with more than my share of �big� decisions in my life and so far they have worked out pretty good. There is a difference though when it comes to some of the more recent decisions I have made. For the first time, I have done what is mostly right for me, putting myself first. While I try to convince myself that this is okay I fear that it could quite possibly end up working against me.

I am a firm believer in good/bad karma (when it comes to me anyway). I know some people live their whole lives trying to get over and to everyone else be damned. I also know that nothing bad ever happens to these same people (well not in this life anyway). I am the type of person who, when I leave the grocery store and I realize the cashier didn�t ring up my case of water in the bottom of the buggy, I go back in and pay for it. I know if I don�t, I am sure to be in an accident on the way home. Stuff like that ya know?

Do I have enough money to breathe easy? Absolutely not! Who does? This is only the case for a select group of what I refer to as lucky mucker duckers (none of which I know or ever will know). This can be a scary thought to me too though. I mean breathing easy wouldn�t be so bad but I don�t think I would like to have so much money that I never had to want for anything. Never �needing� anything would be comforting but never �wanting� anything would be boring. Half the fun of getting anything good is the desire and built up anticipation you experience before it is actually yours. But maybe I do need to do something to breathe a little bit easier when it comes to money.

Am I lacking in love? Being that I am more fortunate than some when it comes to this, I would have to answer, no. I have great love from my family (although they really have no choice in the matter). And at times I feel even greater love from a few close and even not so close friends. I love people back too. I have and will sacrifice all that I am and have for the people I love. Long term love of a life-time companion may not be mine or even attainable right now, but I am not giving up on that either. Perhaps the latter is something that I just don�t deserve (some people are just destined to be alone).

So who knows? I guess at this point it could be anything. I just pray to God that I can figure it out and place some meaning behind it so that I can fix it. How do I even know something is off kiester, you ask. Because I do NOT sleep. And people who are happy, comfortable and have inner peace don�t have this problem.

I�m movin� on��